I think it’s time to take our relationship to the next level, so periodically, I’m going to give you an inside peek at my diary. Will it be insightful? I mean, there’s potential there. Will it be shocking? Probably not. But it will be real, raw, and honest. I think our relationship is ready for that.
I have a confession. I’ve never met a baking show I didn’t like. No. Scratch that. I’ve never met a baking show I didn’t binge-watch in a matter of days while forgetting about all of my responsibilities in the real world. If food had not been at the forefront of my mind, I might have even forgotten to feed myself…
Sometimes, right after the finale when everyone cries and they crown the winner with a bouquet of edible flowers and questionably edible confetti, I have this moment of panic. Like, what am I going to do without the wit, inspiration, and deliciously hard work of other people? Does this mean I have to actually get dressed and work hard myself?? Luckily, there seems to be approximately infinity baking shows on the internet. That's the good news.
But Diary, I have been cooking up some burning questions during my hours of loyal dedication to food-themed television. I will record them here and hopefully, someday, fill in the answers.
Question #1. Do these people have… jobs? And families? Where do they shower? I have never seen any showers on set. Do they all just smell like cake all the time? Maybe that’s not so bad. But their jobs! AND FAMILIES! They’re obviously the cook of the household--they can’t just leave!
Question #2. What do they do with the leftovers? I’m watching these judges take, like, the smallest bites in the universe and then just pushing the other 11.75 cupcakes to the side. I don’t care if they’re “slightly overmixed” or “a hint too chocolatey” or “delicious but not mind-blowingly delicious”... can I eat those, please? Or can at least someone eat them? (Also, judges, why did you ask for a dozen if you were literally only going to eat half of a forkful?)
Question #3. What do these people eat? If they’re not taking their mostly-full platters of Bakewell tarts back to their shower-less rooms, what are they actually eating? Or are they just living off smells? It would be really ironic if they had to survive off of cafeteria food for the duration of filming.
Question #4. Why can’t we all be as nice as British people?
Question #5. Is the whole world amazing at baking? Seriously. There have been like ten different seasons of a million different shows, all with new contestants. That adds up to a medium-sized country of people who are AH-MAZING at baking. That’s so many people.
These are the things that keep me awake at night when I can’t watch baking shows because John and Desi like the room to be dark and quiet to sleep or whatever.
So to distract my mind from worrying about whether or not all of those cupcakes are stored in a giant storeroom of stale-but-still-beautiful baked goods, I come up with my own ideas for baking shows.
(Don’t steal these. They’re patented. Or copyrighted. Whichever one scares you the most.)
My Ideas for Baking Shows:
Things that look like cupcakes but are actually something else. (We could call it Cupfake Wars… or The Ultimate Fake Off… still working on this.) This idea is great because we definitely don’t have enough shows about cupcakes, but I have a feeling we’re running low on judges who are willing to sit in a brightly lit room with suspenseful music and lots of cake puns and eat cupcakes over and over and over.
I mean, I would do it. But also, wouldn’t it be so funny to just see those judge’s faces? It looks like a cupcake… but it’s actually a BEAUTIFULLY CARVED CABBAGE!
The Great British Attitude Show. I don’t care what they bake. I just want more footage of people from Great Britain saying they’re “chuffed” and helping their competition decorate cakes because it’s the right thing to do.
Really Normal People Making Soup and Sometimes Cereal. I’m really excited about this one because I think I could win this show. But if I was a viewer instead of a contestant, I think it would make me feel better about my life.
Even if I get no takers on these amazing ideas, I’m still going to keep watching baking-themed television shows. I mean, I’m watching one right now as I type this. And I don’t think I’ll ever have to stop, thanks to the fact that every time I re-open Netflix, they recommend to me a dozen more shows about flour-based confectioneries I have never heard of.
My hope is that if I watch enough of them I will just magically be great at making food. Or food will magically appear before me. Either one is fine.
Phew. So glad I got that off my chest. Now I can concentrate on what really matters… IT’S BISCUIT WEEK IN THE TENT!
SQ's Favorite Notions & Tools!
- How to Choose the Right Quilt Batting
- The Best Sewing Table
- The Best Quality Thread: Part 1 and Part 2
- 5 Best Cutting Mats for Quilters
- Best Rotary Cutter
- The 4 Best Quilting Rulers
- The Best Iron for Sewing
- The World's Best Sewing Scissors
- Your Guide to Finding the Best Thimble
- Best Pins for Quilting
- The Best Quilt Marking Tools
- Fusible Batting Tape: Why You Need It and How to Use It.
- 8 Things You Never Knew About a Tailor's Clapper
- 5 Types & Sizes of Hand Quilting Needles
- Must-Have Quilting Tools